Like many other gangsta rap aficionados out there, I have been clamoring to catch the Biggie biopic Notorious. To the untrained eye, I may seem like a simple, cheese-obsessed twenty-something in skinny jeans, bobbing my head to an obscure band on my iPod Touch on my way to an antiquing party, but to those in the know (i.e. my disappointed parents), I am all GANGSTA BIATCH! For realzies! I will be the first one to undo the button on my jeans so as to allow greater mobility for BACKING THAT ASS UP. And I love me some Biggie. But am I ready to get my poser ass shot or stabbed at a movie theater to watch what I'm sure will be an awesome-in-the-shitty-kind-of-way movie? Bitch, please.
I've been reading on the Internets and what not about a shooting at a theater in Greensboro, North Carolina, and stabbings at some movie after-party, and fights breaking out in Ohio and Texas because people, mainly the underage PHAT Farm-wearing kind, weren't let in to the R-rated movie. Honey, just buy a ticket for Paul Blart: Mall Cop and sneak in like the rest of us used to back in the day. And who the eff goes to the movies packing heat and/or a shank? That's just not necessary. Seriously. Were you planning to stab the pimply teen at the concessions stand for not giving you extra cheese for your nachos? (Actually, in that case, I would understand. Shank that fool.)
Shame on you, ghetto youth of America. Why you gotsta perpetuate stereotypes, yo? It's bad enough young people are seen as lazy alcoholic rapists by the grown folk, so don't give them reason to taser you senseless. Do you want to be the new "Don't tase me, Bro" guy? Surely not. Your nipples would feel all tingly, and not in the fun way. So I plead, when me and my wannabe gangsta homegirls roll into the cinema in our fur coats, sippin' on Diet Pepsi from our pimp cups, please don't stab us. We're just a couple of hoes trying to snack on nachos and get our BIG on. Don't hate!
Peace out,
alex
I'll keep it real, saw that shit the week it came out. AMAZING. The dude that plays Biggie is so convincing after a while you forget it's not really him. It's touching. Dude I saw it with actually got choked up a little at the end. Problem is, I don't register human emotions so he was pretty confused when I dug out some Day-Quil from my purse, thinking he was sick or something. Bummer.
ReplyDeleteI still havent made the trip to see it yet. I started fashioning a shank out of an old toothbrush though, for protection. Ive heard many a man has shed a tear at this movie though, which excites me. I love to see men cry. This is why I punch them in the balls so often. Maybe ill bring a box of tissues and use it as my exuse to get close to a fine, tear-soaked brotha.
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