Yerr At Me, Christian! I'm A F**king A**hole!! Yes!!

All I know is that I would not even mind having that sexy mug screaming expletives at me if it meant I got to brush his hair and give him eskimo kisses. In fact, I would insist that he did. Mmmm screamysexybaletimehotpant!

Jude Raw Make Me Resbian

An publicity image of nanny-banging Brit actor Jude Law decked out in drag started making the rounds on the Interwebs. Apparently, he'll be playing a tranny in a movie called Rage that will come out, I don't know, one day. In any case, I think I may be a lesbian. Check out this picture.



Daaamn, girl! You is FIIIIINE!!! Seriously, I am totally questioning my sexuality right now, which is especially confusing since I'm a attracted to a man dressed as a woman, but is anatomically and mentally all beef. Oh my head spins! Normally, I am really not into Jude Law. He just seems like such a smarmy asshole. And I'm sorry dude, but you are a pale ass limey so quit trying to fool me with the fake bake. No one is that orange without being a total douchebag. Believe me. I live in Southern California. I know. Personally, I prefer my men pale and anemic. The only other time I wanted to touch Jude Law intimately was when I saw the movie Alfie, which is totally shitty. He's a total dickhead in the movie, but man does he look good. Check out the hotness:



Anyone who knows me, and anyone who's heard me panting drunkenly at a bar, knows that nothing -- I mean NOTHING -- gives me the lady boner like a slim cut pinstripe suit and a vintage Vespa. If I could somehow wrangle tranny Jude and sexy suit Jude into a motorscooter threeway, I would die a happy, STD-ridden woman.

Michaer Pherps, Maybe Bong Herp You Get Girrfriend!!

The gossip rags and news outlets and Christian conservatives are in a frenzy right now over the picture of Olympic golden boy Michael Phelps hittin a bong at a party. Now I, like Cher Horowitz in the amazing masterpiece teen flick Clueless, do not condemn nor necessarily praise Phelps for tokin' up on the sweet sassy molassey mary jane, because as Cher wisely puts it, "It's one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it's quite another to be fried all day." What he does on his own time is not my problem, though I think he's kind of a pervy douche. Here's the "infamous" pic:



So he wanted to get high on something other than life, strippers, and chlorinated water?! BFD! Honestly, I think hitting a bong is the best thing in the world for Michael Phelps. Here is why: He has a severe case of butter face. Evidence:



Seriously, I would lick canned cheese off those abs. They are glorious! The Baby Jesus did an excellent job cultivating those bad boys. But the EZ CHEEZ's deliciousness would be tainted once I got Phelps' fugly mug within my periphery. Homeboy is a goofy looking son of a bitch! The only angle that seems to favor his busted grill -- and if I learned anything from HER DIVANESS LADY TYRA BANKS (It has to be in all caps or else she'll cut me with her mind) it's to KNOW MY ANGLES -- is the one seen in the previous, bong-toting picture. Phelps kind of looks hot there, mainly because you can only see half of his face, and he found his light by staying away from the light, which is very good. Well done, Mikey P. So I propose that Phelps just walk around shirtless, sucking on a bong at all times, because it makes it easier to look at him. I can make like a Bowflex and concentrate on his core and be a happier person for it. If he wants to hit the ganja whilst covering his face, well that's his prerogative.

cover it up...alex

Mickey Rourke, You Make A Me So Confuse!!

Since my last post, in which I bashed Mickey Rourke for having a busted ass face, I went out to my local cineplex to catch The Wrestler, and oh how the tides have (kind of) changed. Now I'm not going back on my word. My word is like the sturdiest oak in the wild Yosemite forest. Or like a Hello Kitty backpack bought on sale at my super fave Sanrio store. It ain't going back! He's definitely not a looker in real life. But, man, he was kind of hot in the movie. I'm not even gonna lie. There's something about watching a man get his ass beat with barbed wire, glass panes, and staple guns that kind of gets me hot. He's covered in blood in a lot of scenes and getting folded chairs to the forehead. See:



He is battered to f**k! So though I vote no on Prop Mickey Rourke, I've got to fill in the yes bubble for Prop Randy "The Ram" Robinson, because not only is he really sweet, sad, and pathetic (three of my favorite qualities in a man), he can take an ass whooping, give an ass whooping, and break a solid wood table with the sheer force of his desperation. Hey, Ram! Let's meet in your trailer and make magic happen. I'll bring the staple gun!