Michaer Pherps, Maybe Bong Herp You Get Girrfriend!!

The gossip rags and news outlets and Christian conservatives are in a frenzy right now over the picture of Olympic golden boy Michael Phelps hittin a bong at a party. Now I, like Cher Horowitz in the amazing masterpiece teen flick Clueless, do not condemn nor necessarily praise Phelps for tokin' up on the sweet sassy molassey mary jane, because as Cher wisely puts it, "It's one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it's quite another to be fried all day." What he does on his own time is not my problem, though I think he's kind of a pervy douche. Here's the "infamous" pic:



So he wanted to get high on something other than life, strippers, and chlorinated water?! BFD! Honestly, I think hitting a bong is the best thing in the world for Michael Phelps. Here is why: He has a severe case of butter face. Evidence:



Seriously, I would lick canned cheese off those abs. They are glorious! The Baby Jesus did an excellent job cultivating those bad boys. But the EZ CHEEZ's deliciousness would be tainted once I got Phelps' fugly mug within my periphery. Homeboy is a goofy looking son of a bitch! The only angle that seems to favor his busted grill -- and if I learned anything from HER DIVANESS LADY TYRA BANKS (It has to be in all caps or else she'll cut me with her mind) it's to KNOW MY ANGLES -- is the one seen in the previous, bong-toting picture. Phelps kind of looks hot there, mainly because you can only see half of his face, and he found his light by staying away from the light, which is very good. Well done, Mikey P. So I propose that Phelps just walk around shirtless, sucking on a bong at all times, because it makes it easier to look at him. I can make like a Bowflex and concentrate on his core and be a happier person for it. If he wants to hit the ganja whilst covering his face, well that's his prerogative.

cover it up...alex